Jeremy Kyle show

hello again, i'm sorry that there haven't been many posts over recent weeks,
the reason for this is that my computers latest 'ugrade' is playing havoc with my interweb.
essentially meaning that the upgrade means i can now do fewer things on my computer, which
makes perfect sense >_>

now, today i think it is high time that Mr Jeremy Kyle received a dose of moaning. a man who has made his living out of
the barely human creatues he herds into the studio. this show of freaks is shown day in day out, but always has the same conclusion:
Chavs always lie about everything and have at least 25 possible parents.

the people on the show are so thick, they appear to be incapable of saying anything other than swear words and 'oh my days'
i am expecting that one day soon a mother will come on wanting to know if her husband (i know, it's unlikely they're married)
has had an affair and so her child isn't hers.

the next thing i find odd is the how the problems are resolved, as far as i can see; these people go onstage, are shouted at for a bit, have a go at the lie detector test and
waddle off back to the slums, their knuckles dragging behind them.
hopefully this show will end once these people find something else to amuse themselves with, maybe after they discover fire.

Fat TV

These days all i see on TV (other than thousands upon thousands of 'talent' shows)
are adverts for programs about fat people and their struggle. in every one of these shows
a fat person who has had a 'bad childhood' gets lypo-suction, is send on their way and then dies of their obesity anyway because they put the weight back on.

firstly these people haven't become fat BECAUSE of their childhood, they didn't wake up one morning after a particuarly hard
day with an arse the size of the oracle shopping centre! they have had to shovel food in daily at a rate of knots and do little to no exercise.
that is how obesity works!
i'm sorry, that's the truth.

secondly, why is the lypo-suction televised? it is the most disgusting thing to televise. i can't think of anybody who would look forward to watching the lypo-suction hour.

finally, they leave the hospital looking to be the same weight, having feasted on hospital food and nurses during their recovery.
often in the advert these fat people are described as being 'a drain on the NHS', i whole heartedly agree, they should have to lose weight through exercise, like us slightly overweight
individuals. but it should simply be refused rather than the powers that be simply grumbling about it.

and another thing, not only is obesity supposedly a drain on the NHS but so are: diseases, foregin illnesses, dentistry, broken legs and drug related problems.
basically anything which makes you unwell is a drain on the NHS, so think again you greedy bastards.

ice cream men

today i was at a picnic, well a picnic where nobody really ate anything and we made a stupidly large number
of human pyramids.
it was good fun, i enjoyed it. but one thing ruined it. ONE little thing which causes me to rant about a generally very good day.
this is the Ice cream man.
lots of people seem to thin it's the best job in the world. but in actuality you spend the nicest days of the year in a metal cage giving
delicious confectionary to rude kids and fat parents who are pretending the 4 ice creams they order are for their kids.
today i stood in a queue for 20 odd minutes with the line seeming to never get any shorter.
i then decided to find out what was causing the delay, only to find a fat women; her arms filled with half melted lollies asking for 'a screwball without the bubblegum'
she then waited for the bubblegum to be fished out of the ice cream then refused to buy it because it wasn't new.
this sort of person should be herded en masse to the Jeremy Kyle show and killed in front of a live audience!

other than that, a good day :)

an unusually short post

a few days ago i was socked to find the headline on The Newbury Weekly News to be
'Lifeguard praised for saving Drowning Child'. now, i don't know about you
but that is the lifeguard's job. the clue is sort of in the name. why should
this person be praised for doing his job? quite frankly, following this up i expect to be on the frontpage
myself soon, being praised for attending school.
maybe 'Chav Praised for intimidating Old Person' will be next weeks headline.
who knows?
but to be honest i want actual news, something shocking that i wouldn't expect to happen in a normal day

the 'nudge' button

just a quick one today,
the 'nudge' button, the bane of the average msn user.
what is it's use other than to annoy? (rheatorical question to the annoying comments people, you know who you are)
i'll be having a quite normal conversation with one of my contacts when suddenly my computer contracts parkinsons disease and windows
vibrate left right and centre. this is supposedly a nudge, although to be fair it's more of a tremor.
the use of this button will annoy anyone you use it on, for you see there is already a fairly good warning system that shows when you've just received a message,
a orange flashing icon and a sound like a car alarm. if you're not sharp enough to release this might mean something, you probably won't release that the vibrating window is also a warning.
in fact, if you're that daft you're more likely to duck under the table mistaking it for an earthquake.

it is for this reason that i think that 'nudge' should be changed to 'prat about'

old people

i went to see my nan yesterday, and i have recently begun to see how odd elderly people can be
(this is not a personal attack on my own grandmother, just a reason as to why i'm going to rant about the old.)

the first thing i've noticed is that whenever you talk to old people and you ask them a question, for example:
'do you know where that new restaurant in town is?' the moment you then answer the question they'll immediately reply with 'NO!' or
'OH!'
in a really exagerated way, even if the don't really care about what you're talking about.
the next odd thing is their incredible ability to include people you don't know into a conversation. 'do you know Arthur', you don't. you clearly don't. you probably don't even
live in the same town any more, just so it seems obvious that you wouldn't know their old boring friend!
but still they ask. whether you answer yes or no they still then go along the same line, there is no difference to what they were going to say whatsoever. i'm convinced that these
friends don't even exist and the old person just lies for a while about something that may or may not have happened for a while.
i bet you though that if this friend of theirs does exist they'll constantly be the victim of 'you know ?'
and nothing ever happens in the old persons life at all because they spend all there time asking if people know who other people are.

the next odd thing is the inventions given to old people to help them with their daily lives, the stair lift for example. if the old person is well enough to need to travel up the stairs enough to do things on different levels, they clearly don't need it
what was wrong with old people living in bungalows, that was so much easier!
however, stair lifts do give me much enjoyment, for example if you stop the down button from working in some way you can trap your old person at the top of the stairs, this means you know longer have to watch the cookery shows on TV in the living room, as they're
not around to complain. you're also free from 'you know Mildred?'
NO! i bloody well don't!

if you're an old person who's managed to come on the internet to read my blog. well done

ideas for the blind

right, it has been brought to my attention by Rawrk that i have become far too soft, even going as far as signing off with much love at the end of my last post. this in mind, i have decided to go completely the other way and be far too harsh.

so, it seems to me that the blind have had far to easy since my post on Clarkson and the blind (sounds like a kids book ay?) so i think a general attack on some of the daft ideas to help them that have been made recently.

i was in Waterstones the other day and saw 'Teach yourself Brail', i thought this looked like an interesting read, ironic too. so i had a look inside, only to find that the book was written in brail!
how on earth are they supposed to learn?
i took this book to the person on the til and asked him who's stupid idea this book was. he looked at me as if I was a complete idiot and replied 'well mate, if it was typed, the blind people couldn't read it'.

I beg your pardon!?

what is the use in a book for the blind at all then!?
clearly if you're not blind it would be far easier simply to read normally than go for brail,
i very much doubt there are books written exclusively in brail, or at least that's what they want you to believe.

following this idea, i decided to go on Dragons Den with my idea, Blind TV.
i googled it to make sure i wasn't stealing somebody elses idea, and it only bloody exists!
a TV for the blind!
clearly a radio, sold for the price of a TV, but how is the blind person going to prove it?

now, i know that the blind have been a target twice now, but i can assure you i have no problem with them.




If you're a blind man who's read my blog and disagrees with anything
i've said, you're faking it!

confusing comments

now, since i've been writing these posts i have been receiveing comments.
these are good, in theory this means people are reading my blog, but 2 in particular have caused me
to wonder what on earth is wrong with interweb-people.

after my short grumble on the word 'lol' i received a comment from somebody named 'lol' who said, you guessed it, lol.
of course i will try to look at this positively; as i do with everything, as you can see from my blog. they've clearly read my post
and found some enjoyment, well done. i have done my bit by writing it, it's your responcibility to enjoy it.
but this person hasn't absorbed the teaching, that 'lol' is the most stupid, non-sensicle word since 'supercalifragilisticexpeallydocious'
i'm expecting a comment giving me the correct spelling of that from some weirdo any day now.

my other odd comment was posted in response of my post on billboards, it was in essence an explanation on what advertising is.
which i found rather odd, as the point i was trying to make was that how are you possibly advertising something if you forget to put it's name, i could
release a product on the same day as the day given in the daft advert and effectively 'steal' their advertising.
so thank you mister internet person, but mocking somebody who runs a blog based around mocking things isn't really a smart move.
you should probably stick to leaving over-critical comments on the Tesco website and catologue ordering reversible fleeces.

much love,
Mr Alex

i assume the people that this post is about are good sports, if not. please don't sue

Personal Worst

personal best

i received the latest issue of my schools magazine, 'personal best' a few days ago
i was shocked and annoyed to find on the front 'that's torn it, the students have taken over!'
on the front in the most unprofessional font imaginable and inside each article had spelling mistakes and
had ridiculous non-sensicle pictures within it. i didn't consider this a bit of fun, or better for me because students
had written it. i found it bloody insulting that the admin. staff believed that if the students did take control of personal best it would look sh*t.

still within it's pages were the same old things. full of sport and things which actually happened several months ago but were left until they had nothing to write about,
but instead of presenting it half nicely they put it on horrid backgrounds. next time, Park House School, i will make your magazine. can't be worse than this times issue which
quite frankly should have been called 'Personal Worst magazine'

the apprentice

right, hello again to whoever's still reading my blog.

i was watching the apprentice last night and i was overwhelmed by the level of stupidity
that a small group of people could have!
i mean, to those who didn't see it; they had to do a catering task, the winner being the team which made the most money.
one team after hearing these words immediately spent 500 pounds hiring out costumes. which is clearly a logical step. WHY DID THEY
DO THAT!
they then came in with a loss of 200 pounds. they would have done better if they'd not bothered doing the task at all.
what does that tell you about the business world when people who insist they are some of the finest businessmen in the country decide
to spend hundreds of pounds on costumes when the task was nothing to do with them!
this is how we got into this economic crisis! some prat was asked to flog something on a market and spent several billions of pounds on a
fancy costume.
then, the person who got fired was the only person taken to the board room with an ounce of common sense. he got fired despite another contestant calling Sir Alan
ugly to his face. i mean what do you actually do to get fired!?
is it randomly selected, or is it through some sort of secret round based upon the level of insults they can throw at the grumpy old git?

due to this incredible amount of stupidity they squeeze into an hour i may well visit this topic in later posts.

If you have anything that annoys you, but aren't very good at complaining email your ideas to me. don't email too much or this will annoy me

billboards

right, apologies for no post yesterday, but of course occasionally i have to go out and look for annoying things to write about.
last night i went to see Billy Elliot. i have no idea why, will people please stop asking me, i was not the only boy in the world who went!
although it may have been that a lot of the girls that went were very manly.

anyways, i'm not going to attack Billy Elliot. it was actually quite good, i especially enjoyed the interval.
on the way to and from the theatre i noticed some strange lit up objects; like adverts on stilts, asfter some time i discovered/remembered that these are called billboards
but was still completely confused by them. mainly because of the crap companies put on them.
for example:

a new blackberry is coming out, whatever that is. it has been named the Blackberry Storm, which is the most stupid name they could have possibly given it. why not go for the vineyard
or orchard, surely they would have made more sense, i mean Blackberry Storm!?
sounds like something from heavens weather forecasts.

another thing i saw was 'IT'S COMING'. no other information, for all i know the driver of the coach wasn't paying attention and we wee about to have a fatal collision with whatever was coming.
i have 3 questions for the idiot who put this on a billboard: what is it? when's it coming? and why do i care?
i mean how is that possibly advertising your product, to me that advertises any product which'll be released in the near future.
this billboard was so crap that no one had even bothered to graffitti over it.
to me the saddest sight in the world, something that looks so bad already that the louts of today couldn't damage it any more.